Two days ago thousands of mothers flocked to Targets across the nation like they do every day but this time, with breasts full & nipples poised to launch a milk attack against the retail giant. The demonstration or “nurse-in” was in response to a lactating female being asked to feed her child in a changing room, away from public view, rather than in a corner of the store days earlier. Upon hearing this news, leaking women from all over the United States descended upon their local Tar-zhays with babies and proceeded to feed them from their private parts as a way of saying “We’re here, you can leer, get used to it”
What breastfeeding mothers don’t seem to realize is that it is entirely inappropriate to expose upstanding citizens to teat nourishment in a public setting. We’re thrilled that you’ve chosen to feed your child the way nature intended but do we have to see it? I mean, we don’t pee in public (unless we’re drunk) and would prefer that you would show us the same courtesy.
Here are a few tips that mothers should & need to adopt to help the rest of us feel comfortable.
1) Use a cover. Every time. There are many fancy ones on the market. Damask. Lace-trimmed. Or how about a swaddling cloth (if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you kid)? Statistics show that human beings love being in confined spaces. Babies are on their way to becoming full humans so this applies to them as well. I personally eat many of my meals under a loosely draped fitted sheet in my bedroom and find it quite enjoyable. The importance of air circulation has been exaggerated by democrats and Al Gore; do not be fooled. When your baby’s mouth is fully affixed to your udder leaving only two little nostrils to breathe, why wouldn’t she love breathing in repeat Co2?
During the summer months, place two little straws in your baby’s nose scuba-style so that cool air can be retrieved without making us all barf from the sight of your boob flesh.
2) Use a bathroom. Who doesn’t love a public restroom? The next time your baby starts fussing for a taste of your nectar, find the nearest stall or portable potty and nurse standing upright. I suggest a few arm curls at home to deal with the wriggling and maneuvering. If there’s no hook for your diaper bag, just put it on the floor or toilet. If you’ve used your uterus more than once and have a 2nd, or worse, 3rd child in tow, ask the critters to join you in the stall for their safety. It’s like a party! Don’t worry, if you’ve raised them right they won’t touch anything. Perhaps an iPad will keep them busy.
Good babies nurse for between 10-15 minutes so you’ll be out of there before you know it.
If you’re rude enough to bring a baby to a public eatery, it’s still your responsibility to leave the table for the bathroom to nurse. Your meal will be waiting when you return. If your appetite is affected by the smell of light sewage, consider the fantastic weight-loss ramifications and be grateful.
The message is simple: whatever you are doing in public, drop it to move to a private area. Shopping? Leave the cart. At a remote park? Find an abandoned train car. Be considerate.
3) Stay home. It would be easier for you and all of us if you just spent the day in your casa. There’s lots to do: television, hanging out in the backyard (don’t nurse there unless you have a high enough wall- again, RESPECT), cooking, cleaning, laundry, and of course, Facebook. This way you won’t be tempted to whip out a milk bag while the working world goes about their important business.
4) Use bottles. When you leave the house, switch to bottles. If your baby hasn’t used them before, shame on you for not preparing your infant for the real world. Everyone knows that it is very simple for babies to switch between the breast and bottles and won’t at all impact his or her ability to continue breastfeeding in a socially appropriate setting.
Pumping breastmilk is simple, fast, and easy. Just squirt out a a gallon, save it in the fridge and pour it into one of the thousands of bottles available on the market as you need it. Yes your breasts will become painfully engorged, hard to the touch, and will most likely soak your shirt when you’re out & about, but isn’t knowing you’re saving the rest of us from feeling mildly uncomfortable worth it? Take one for the team.
If your baby refuses the bottle, just keep pressing. You’ll break her spirit eventually. If not, see bullet #3.
5) Try formula. Why are you breastfeeding anyway, selfish woman? Not only are you denying others from bonding with your baby via feeding, you’re ruining a pair of perfectly good boobs. Despite the claims of science, breasts are to be admired, not ravished for the sake of a small child. Formula is very inexpensive and just as good for babies. Science doesn’t support my claims but I have good feelings about them. Your pious act of breastfeeding your child is not only creating unease, but making moms who use formula feel bad. Stop doing it.
6) Get some morals. Do you have sex in public? No. Then why would you engage in what is obviously a sexual act with your child? Just because something is natural, doesn’t mean we all want to see it. This isn’t France- we don’t skip around naked eating baguettes and bad smelling cheese. We’re American. We have ethics, God, and Kraft singles. I lived in Orange County and saw lots of breasts displayed in malls, but they weren’t feeding newborns and their areola areas were (generally) kept under a tank top so these women were celebrated. There are breasts splashed all over magazine racks, on television bouncing up and down to hip hop and popping out of tight plastic NASCAR bodysuits but that’s different. We’re OK with boobs if money has been exchanged. Has your cheap baby paid you? No? Then wrap it up.
In conclusion, breastfeeding is for lazy, exhibitionist, thrill-seeking mothers who have nothing better to do than to make the rest of us shrivel in disgust. Your behavior is ruining our country so if you can’t sufficiently hide it to the point that we have no idea it’s even happening, don’t do it. A grandmother somewhere said that she nursed all eight of her babies without anyone knowing and if someone did something, it means you should to. Because if there’s one thing we all know, people did things better and were far more moral in the past.
Offending people is a crime and very wrong.
This land is your land. This land is my land. From California to the New York island. From the redwood forest, to the gulf stream waters, this land was made for you and me. And as partial owner, you’re freaking me out.
About Bunmi Laditan
Bunmi is a mother, writer, and social media entrepreneur living in Montréal, Canada (by way of California). She has two girls ages 5 and almost 2.
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Next time I will definitely remember to think of others’ feelings and comfort first above my baby’s needs. Heck if they’re tired I’ll give them a piggy back ride around the store. Lol
“Science doesn’t support my claims but I have good feelings about them.”
R.O.F.L. loved it!!! lol
That was my fav part, too!
LOVE it!!! LOL
Whoops. Thought I was uploading a picture for an avatar. lol
I. Love. This! So funny.
Great job of satire. It’s not often that you see a long article about such a sensitive subject written so well. For those who are confused about what satire means, it would SARCASM! I suggest reading “A Decent Proposal”. Short story about how to take care of the starving upper class. Apparently people don’t read classics since it’s not found on Amazon.
Try looking up “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. I’m sure you’ll find it.
And while we’re in the realm of satire… perhaps his proposal would help alleviate this problem of all the mommies nursing in public!
“A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift is not only available on Amazon, it is free for your Kindle.
“Kraft singles” – hilarious!
Awesome! Hit ALL the right points! That was awesome!
Totally hilarious!!
what is this crap! what a load. if i want to feed my child in public i can. the part of babies being on there way to becoming human had me livid. yea i get this may be a joke but really?! i bet the person who wrote this had been breastfeed in public multipule times. i as a mother am hurt that people can be so selfish to think that they are more important then a child. guess not world a baby infant child whatever the mother has is more important then you and your thoughts. if your uncomfortable dont watch leave or go away. dont tell the woman she is doing wrong. she is doing righ tby her and her child so grow up and be more considerate. thank you
Brittany- I think you completely missed the point of this article. It was saying every thing you said, just from a sarcastic point that is entertaining. Well written!
Brittany, it’s satire. She’s taking the extreme opposite position from what she believes to prove that it’s assinine. You don’t have to be mad at her. She agrees with you. I think we both do.
im pg and i blame hormones lol i know that she was being sarcastic now lol. i just get jumpy and such at stuff like this.
Don’t feel bad Brittany my initial reaction to the first few paragraphs was bad too. I think the satire clicked in at the co2 part.
I was initially a little peeved too and frankly thought it was written by a man! But a couple points in and I was like, ok…that’s more like what I’d expect to find on a mothering website! Totally written as well as Swift’s proposal!
I’m not a fan of other people’s body parts being on display. That being said, in my experience, moms who NIP never display their breasts, as the baby covers pretty much everything. I’m extremely conservative and formula-feeding my little one (I failed breastfeeding 101), but I’ve never been offended by NIP, because I have yet to actually see any mom’s actual body parts. I mean, what is everyone so offended by? It’s not like anyone takes off their whole shirt and bra and feeds their baby topless (at least, not in public)! Even if you’re an uber prude, YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING!
And if I find some success in BF baby #2, I’m feeding him/her when and where they get hungry, and I’m not covering up. This is coming from a pastor’s wife who wears high-cut tops and doesn’t show ANY skin. And anyone who is offended by a mom feeding their child and not showing their parts (which is pretty much all nursing moms) needs to just get over it because they’re being offended by something benign. That’s their own issue.
Honestly, I think that most of the people who are offended are just self-conscious (or just don’t understand it) because they didn’t breast-feed their own children. I know people who are offended at just the sound of it, even if baby is covered. And guess what: They didn’t breastfeed their now-grown kids. Makes me think it’s about more than just boobies.
Great comment Sarah. Good luck next time. I’m sure you will do hreat.
Love this! Love the sarcastic tonation as well! We just had a rather large debate on my facebook about this. Where people claimed it was morally reprehensible for me to feed my baby in public without a cover. Granted, I’m not exactly brave enough to feed him sans cover just yet (he’s about to be 6 weeks old). However, I did try the whole bathroom feeding thing at a restaraunt a few days ago…it sucked.
I cannot even imagine doing so with a bigger, wiggle worm of a baby! He pretty much lays there right now, but it was tough like that!! I think people just need to grow up and realize, our breasts were meant to feed our babies!
Don’t worry – you will be a pro soon! I can now push a cart with my 2yr old in it and feed my 5 month old while walking down the Target aisles! Feeding in a bathroom is awful! I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that.
April, that is totally awesome! It’s so true, I think by about 4 months in I felt good enough to bfeed while at a movie, but before then I found it awkward. I hope that for #2 I am as capable as you with a toddler in tow! My 25 month old is still bfing from time to time now. It’s a wonderful thing.
May I suggest a sling for you baby? I bought a Close BabyCarrier. It’s great because,while it’s cloth,it is easy to get on,just slip it over your head. You can use it in 5 different ways. One of the best part is that,when you breastfeed you baby while having the baby in the sling,no one knows your nursing! The other great thing is being able to nurse while doing other things.Frees up your hands. Just a suggestion. Could be good for a new mother who is uncomfortable with doing the complete breastfeeding in public thing.
I’m cracking up! So much that my little nursling is giggling at me between gulps.
Thanks so much for this. I think you’ve also pointed out some very valid arguments for nursing moms everywhere. I’ve never been able to pinpoint all the reasons why I shouldn’t have to cover-up or avoid nursing in public, I just knew that I shouldn’t have to. You nailed ‘em all and I hope you’ve encouraged nursing moms everywhere to feel entitled to what should come naturally!
Oh and you forgot that breastmilk is a bodily fluid so it shouldn’t be secreted in public. You don’t poop or pee in public do you? Its just unsanitary. Thats why people store it in their fridges and freezers for use later with the food they eat, buy it at milk banks, formula companies spend millions of dollars to “reproduce” it, and lastly, feed it to their children. Lactating women should just wear bio hazard shirts whenever they go out, just for the safety of all…
Nice article, definitely put a smile on my face…
Hahhahaha!!!! Well put! Aren’t all bodily fluids nasty and unsanitary??
I want to tell all those naysayers out there that I don’t like watching them chew their food – it grosses me out – so they need to go to the restroom and eat sitting on the toilet. PDA makes me uncomfortable so they should also stay home because I don’t want to see it! Ha! I’m sure there are people out there who are reading this and are actually agreeing to everything, not realizing it’s sarcasm. How sad are they?
I am not a breastfeeder, but support women who choose to. There are many reasons why some women do not BF..medications..not successful, etc..I think we should be supportive in any situation.
I thought this was great! Well written and gave me a few chuckles.
Some people just have weird views of what’s right. I actually had someone in my family tell me that bottle feeding in public is just something that you should not do. Why not?? If a baby is hungry, a baby is hungry. Should I starve him? Unfortunately, this is an issue that will probably always be debated.
I never post comments, but this was the most hillarious thing I’ve read since “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift.
This is just hysterical! As a mom of 2 (soon to be 3) I loved the comment about dragging your little ones into the stall and having a party with IPad entertainment! And if you raised them right, they won’t touch anything! HAHA!
That part made me almost gag. Even thinking of having to put my purse on the bathroom floor! Yuck yuck yuck! I have nursed in a bathroom before, but never again. Next time ’round I will be getting a cover for those times where I feel the need to be even more discreet.
I got a cover from Uddercovers for my daughter. It was a $30 cover and I only paid postage! You might want to look into that if you have another.
Friggin’ genius!
This is all fine…right up until the part about bottles. Millions of women don’t have any choice but to pump breast milk and bottle feed because they have to be at work during the day. Not everyone gets to be (or wants to be) a stay-at-home mom. Your section there, especially “You’ll break her spirit eventually,” was really insulting to those women.
I am a working mother. I pumped for about 15 months. Now I nurse my dd when I get home and on weekends. My DD takes bottles when she is not with me and I was not offended. I too think she was referring to the challenges of bottle- and breastfeeding a baby. I didnt find it the least bit offensive.
I am very proud of the effort I made these past months – working and pumping, overcoming and preventing bottle preference, taking care of your supply- but it is a reality that if you are not careful, then working and bottlefeeding can get in the way of nursing your baby. I have to work, so I dont have the option to be a SAHM. I also made the decision to let them feed EBM to my baby with a bottle at daycare. However, whenever I talk to another mom about breastfeeding and going back to work, I have to be objective and I will mention everything there is to consider and the potential complications bottles may bring to their nursing relationship…and I think that is what she is referring to. How bottles can be a pain
I think she was actually making a point towards the people who tell breastfeeding women,who don’t have to go back to work right away,so maybe don’t need to pump if they don’t choose,that they should pump in order to bottle feed the child,for the sole purpose of not offending people when feeding the baby in public. I’m thinking the author wasn’t trying to offend any mothers of any kind,whether they have to bottle feed,formula feed,or any variation. It was all a rub towards the prudes who use the whole pumping and storing milk instead of “whipping out the boob in public”.
Robin, you are right, alot of women have to pump & bottle feed. It takes a major commitment to do that and I admire women who do that, it is not easy. I think her point is that people just assume it’s no big deal to pump and some babies don’t do well switching between bottle & breast, so it’s a struggle. I don’t think the author intended to put down women that pump, on the contrary they should be commended for their dedication to do what’s best for their babies!!!
That was my take too on the whole bottle thing.
This post was well written and very funny. I have been blessed to have successfully nursed seven children and over the course of time did nurse them in public. Church, McDonalds, Target’s snack bar, Costco’s snack bar, Fred Meyer’s furniture section, movie theaters, school music concerts, parks, moms’ groups, malls, and so on have all doubled as eateries for my nursing children. Luckily for me I have not received any negative comments. I am very discrete, because that is what makes me feel comfortable, and have had total strangers (men included) come up to me an engage me in a conversation while I was nursing. More often than not, people just thought I was holding a sleeping baby.
With my last two babies I discovered Blush and Undercover Mama products. They allowed me to nurse without being self conscious about my post partum ‘muffin top’ and back hanging out for all to see.
Uddercovers also has a deal that you only pay postage. I got one for my daughter.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people that actually “think” the way the author was “talking”….. They are the ignorant ones!
I love the sarcasm in this blog. I just don’t understand why porn is so accepted, but breastfeeding in public is not…. ?????
Society needs to take another look at mothers and children and see that it is perfectly acceptable for a mommy to breastfeed anywhere. When that baby is hungry then he/she needs to eat.
And a bathroom is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!! Would you “uncomfortable” adults eat in a bathroom??? I certainly would not, I didn’t feed my children in a bathroom, and my grandchildren will not be fed in a bathroom.
I would also like to give my regards to all the mommies that went to the “Nurse-In” at Target!!! LOVE IT!!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
See, this is what happens when you get too many friends on fb….it leads me to a blog like this. I think I am the only male here, and frankly, I find this article unobjectionable!!! Great visuals…”place two little straws in your baby’s nose scuba-style”, “If you’ve used your uterus more than once”, “if you’ve raised them right they won’t touch anything”, “Yes your breasts will become painfully engorged, hard to the touch, and will most likely soak your shirt when you’re out & about, BUT (emphasis mine)…”, “We have ethics, God, and Kraft singles”.
And to be more frank (even though my name is John), I don’t believe a babies head covers near the surface area that any nice, well-fashioned bikini does….and definitely reveals more cleavage than any fashion trend we have today in our ethical society. I mean, seriously; MY children won’t grow up with the view that a woman’s breast is a instrument of nourishment according to design…they will objectify them for the inert tumors that they are. So go ahead and be the cause of social embarrassment for all!
And to conclude, My name is John…I am a minister…my wife breastfed all SIX of HER children…and I approve this message
I remember when the site manager at my office objected to my boss putting up a blind on the office window so I (and another co-worker who had just had a baby) could pump at work while we were nursing. He told my boss – loudly and unkindly – that if we wanted to do “that” we could go to the bathroom. My boss, bless his quick thinking, said, “How about I go into the men’s room and make you a sandwich, then? This is their babies’ FOOD sir, and what you are suggesting is the “unsanitary” option here.” LOVED IT!!
I can’t believe someone would think breast feeding is selfish. Have you any idea how much better for the infant breast milk is over formula. Get your facts straight. Formula is NOT inexpensive, and breasts are made for breast feeding, not admiring. Are you kidding me?!?!?
ok, I get that it’s a joke. Good thing.
Glad you caught that
The only people with issues here are obviously the ones who feel uncomfortable with seeing a little bit of skin!!!! Breast feeding successfuly is one of the most difficult thing a mother can do for her child! How dare you compare it to having sex in public or even suggest that it is anything like a sexual act! Everywhere else in the world it is considered the most beautiful natural thing a mother can do for her child. FORMULA does not have the same benefits as breat milk does. There are dozens of researches done to prove that fact. So please do use breast feeding mothers a favor and just turn your check the other way like anyother mature adult would do.
Did you understand that the writer of this article is on the side of nursing moms? She was being sarcastic. =)
I guess you failed to see the sarcasm and underlying humor? Obviously nodbody could write an article like this and be serious!
Very funny! I shared it on facebook.
LOL I think all nursing moms should print out copies of this and carry the copies with them when they go out. That way, if anyone complains about them nursing their babies in public, the mom can just hand the stranger this blog post and all will be well.
I nursed all four of my children. Just Wednesday my 23 month old actually. I was ridiculed with third child while in a restaurant eating with family. My son was needing fed. I covered myself with a blanket and nursed him at the table. The manager of the restaurant told me “this is a family restaurant and we would appreciate if I would feed my child elsewhere “. I was apauled and embarrassed at the same time. I did not know how to react. I stopped nursing actually apologized for my actions. I was so upset with the fact that she was contridicting herself and had the nerve to say something to me. I have always been discreet about nursing my children although its perfectly natural. So many young women today are self conscience enou
Due to judgements made by pure ignorance that when they have a baby they don’t even give nursing a thought! They feel its gross and degrading. Its horrible to think nursing as a second purpose for boobs…..body image comes first! God made us mammals and we produce milk for our baby to feed
what did women do in the 18 the century…no formula and especially no choices on formula. Did the baby starve..oh wait…some has “wet nurses “..
I could go on but I won’t.
Thank God for my ability to nurse my 4 for all the natural and right reasons
..
A healthy start I’m life!
I know that the manager shocked you with that, but I do think a letter to him and if it’s a chain a copy to the corporate headquaters for your area would be appropriate. and let them know that not only will you be feeding your child elsewhere, you will also be taking your patronage elsewhere.
and for the next time something like this happens, be ready to get up and leave saying “then I’ll also take my money elsewhere too” leave the table and don’t pay the bill.
Right on!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I especially like the “get 2 straws” part.
Wonderfully written! thank you
As a Pediatrician, I MUST PROFOUNDLY disagree with your statement that “Formula is very inexpensive and just as good for babies.” Formula is FAR inferior to breast milk and it is definitely not cheaper than breast milk. Please do a 5 second google search before you decide to publish lies like this.
To all the breast feeding mothers out there, GOOD JOB! You are giving your baby the perfect nutrition and the best chance for a healthy life. I am sorry that you have to deal with all this unnecessary ridicule, but dont let it stop you!
JM, I think you missed the point of the article. Read it again. This is a satirical piece – meaning sarcasm. The author agrees with you. The author used sarcasm to point out how ridiculous these beliefs are.
Excellent! Great job, had me chuckling the whole way through! Although I don’t nurse my 20-month-old in public very often anymore, I have absolutely done it when I didn’t necessarily HAVE to, just to help normalize nursing in public. I will be a lactivist for life, but nursing in public is probably the most effective thing I can contribute to the cause, and I only get a short time to do it!
Love it! As a Pediatrician, I just posted this to my FB page. Expectant parents are going into early labor laughing!!!
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Aw, this was a really nice post. In thought I want to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and precise effort to make a very good article… however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and on no account appear to get something done.