Whining Four-Year-Old

Dear Cindy,

There are enough issues in your multiple questions for a few phone sessions. Making the change in yourself is the heart of the work I do with parents. I would highly recommend that you book yourself a session with me. In this email I can provide a couple of hints and ideas, but what would really help you is to find the cause of the difficulty in making the change in yourself: http://naomialdort.com/guidance.html

A child always has a valid reason to do what she does. It is your job to find what drives her words and actions so you can remove the cause of her stress. Find why she has to yell “Listen to me,” and why she whines and cannot be at peace with things not going her way. Then notice how you model her behaviors without knowing it. Do you insist on things going a certain way? Are you upset (with her for example) when things don’t go the way you want?

For example, you say “We needed to take the shorter route.” That’s you modeling “insisting.” The truth is, “You needed to take the shorter route.” Your daughter did not need to go the shorter route. She needed to go her favorite route. She is not mature enough to give up what she wants for your sake. She felt helpless in having no say and needed you to listen to her emotional expression. In her mind, her need is at least as important as yours.

If you told her, “I know you like the other way. I am tired and my back hurts and it would be so much better for me to take the shorter way,” perhaps she would have had a chance to understand your need and be more accommodating. 

Be kind to both, yourself and your daughter by planning with everyone’s preferences in mind. Could you have taken a stroller for your toddler? Could you postpone going out until your spouse could join you? Could you have called your spouse or a friend to pick you up (or a taxi if that’s an option?) How much shorter was the way you chose? Was the struggle worth it? 

Your daughter is your mirror. You say to her “no,” and she negates you in return. You are complaining how difficult it is for you, she is complaining that you don’t go her way. You insist on going your way for your needs and she insist that you listen to her emotional expression about it. You insist on your way, she digs her hills too. Children simply give us back what we put out. At age four, your daughter is she mature enough to empathize about your difficulties while her own need is not met.

I know how hard you try and you want to do the best for for your child. I know it can be challenging. Forgive and be kind with yourself. Find ways to say “yes” instead of “no” unless the situation is life threatening. “Yes, I see that you want to paint on the wall, let me tape a large paper on it.”  Or, “yes, I see how much you want to make your brother scream,” and offer another power game, like having her spray you with water on a hot day and you scream and run away or just chasing you. And, consider fewer restrictions. Much of what we say “no” to can become “yes” with a thoughtful change.

To bring more peace to your family, bring peace inside of you. This is where it starts.

Use the thoughts inquiry from the book, Loving what Is by Byron Katie, to free yourself from your own limiting thoughts. When you are at peace with your daughter’s ways, you will be a teacher of peace to your family.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com