3 Year Old Won't Play by Herself

Dear Joni,

It is not realistic to expect a young child to be able to entertain herself alone more than a for short segments of time. Some children are self-entertainers, but your daughter is not. She does need company, but it does not have to be only you. Living with one person for hours each day is fine for some and limiting for others.

You can get your daughter accustomed to doing things side by side for short periods but you must also find other people to be with her. Can you rent out a room in your house in exchange for being with your child and helping in the house? Can grandma or a friend come over? Can you hire a pre-teen helper to come over and can you get together with another family with enough adults to take turns attending to the children? Playmates are children. You cannot be a child, but you can find an older child to play with your daughter.

In addition, question your needs. Are you trying to accomplish more than necessary? Mothering is a full time job. Are you trying to clean or prepare food? Can your spouse do these things later in the day? Or can you do things once your spouse is at home playing with your daughter? My husband used to shop on the way home, come home and clean the day’s dishes and make dinner or play with the child/ren so I can prepare food.

I had the whole day to care for the child/children. I did not try to accomplish anything else.

While alone with your daughter, start doing things side by side in very small increments, only as long as she is happy. You make salad and she is next to you playing boats in the sink. You read and she plays with her doll by your side. You plant flowers and she runs her little wheelbarrow around with her favorite doll in it. She runs around and you sit and saw. Try such side by side autonomous activities for a few minutes at a time.

Make sure not to stretch her beyond her ability. Stop when she is still having a good time. This way she will associate self-engagement with enjoying herself. In addition, provide the kind of exciting activities that need no partner: a musical instrument, listening to story CDs, clay and art supplies, picture books, puzzles, a mat to roll around on, blocks etc. Once she is enjoying herself, she will want more self-engaging activities. 

The nuclear family with mother and child alone many hours of each day is not the ideal. Do your best to provide company other than yourself, and to be with her not pretending to be another child, but being an adult who is honestly playing with a child.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html