Teenager Filled With Rage

Dear concerned aunt,

A teenager who if filled with rage has a valid reason for it. The best you can do for her, is understand this valid reason so she is not lonely with her perception of herself and of life.

It is not possible to take upon ourselves the lives of others. But it is possible to bring light into their lives, not by telling them anything, but by being at peace with what they are going through and connecting with them. When a toddler scrapes her knee, her mother’s calm helps her know that she is all right. If the mother joined the panic, the child would increase her cries. When your loved once have a storm inside them, be the shoreline.

Therefore, the first thing you must do, is love the way your sister and her daughter are. 

It is their path that they obviously must go through. Like the toddler with the scraped knee, they need you to be present, not to teach nor to try to change them. Addicted and depressed people shrink away from someone trying to give them advice. The cause of their anxieties is years of unwanted advice and pressure to be someone other than who they are. Don’t add to it. Instead, love them, listen and understand why they must do what they do right now. 

There is no better support than giving a hurting person someone who loves them unconditionally. Then, your niece/sister may open up to you and if you stay open and not teaching, she may even ask for your guidance. (And don’t be sure that you have the answer. Stay open.)

To bring such peace inside of you, write down your related thoughts: My sister should... she shouldn’t... I need her to... My niece should not use drugs, she shouldn’t run away, she shouldn’t fight etc. Inquire into these thoughts. If you don’t know to inquire, using The Work of Byron Katie, you can book yourself a phone session with me: http://www.authenticparent.com/guidance.html Or, you can sign up for the collaborative 6 classes I am offering with Kathy White, starting April 11th on The Work for parents: http://www.naomialdort.com/phoneclass.html.

When you come to the turnaround of your thoughts, you will discover the reasons for your sister and your niece’s choices of actions and behaviors. This will help you understand both of them and enable you to connect with them. Rather than teach, preach, or give advice, you will gain their trust so they can open up to their own truth.

All addictions start with relationship with one’s parents. Once you connect with your sister and her daughter not from a sense of trying to change or rescue them, but coming from deep love and understanding, the three of you can do some great work on your relationships with your parents (you don’t need them in order to do that) and with each other. I would love to help you if you want to set up a phone session with me. It takes great skill and self-awareness to be able to show up as a clearance for other people to transform themselves.

Warmly, http://authenticparent.com/index.html