Toddler Refuses to Get Into Car Seat

Dear Parent,

Your daughter has now grown old enough to start recognizing her own desire to stay home. She finally had enough rides to know that she would rather not go. We often drag children with us on our errands and shopping, disregarding their busy lives and interests. Think of her as a busy adult and you will naturally respect her busy play and discovery schedule. 

“Its time to go” is the language we use to fool ourselves when in truth it is, “I want to go, so you have to stop your play and come with me.” It is not “time to go” for her. I am sure you want her to be self-reliant and independent. She is trying to do that and needs your support.

Even when you go out for her sake, to the playground or to visit a friend, if she does not want to go, it is best that she doesn’t. “But she loves it once there,” you may say, and yet, in the present she is busy and does not want to go. If she misses something she likes, she will learn a real life lesson, “If I don’t go, I don’t get to play with my friend that day.” She also learns, “I should trust myself,” and “I am responsible to my own life choices.” She may not want to go as much as you think she does.

To heal your child’s dislike of the car, I highly recommend that you avoid all car rides for a while, until the memory of disliking them eases of. Let your spouse do the shopping or he can stay with your daughter while you go out. After about two weeks, offer to go somewhere she absolutely loves, like the playground. Tell her the night before and remind her in the morning. “Are you ready to go in the car now so we can go to the swings?” Toddlers and young children want to be in charge of their own lives. Make sure your daughter chooses to go, free of coercion.

Make the first trip short and sweet and don’t add an errand or another personal detour.

Bring a favorite food, CD of songs she loves, and make the ride enjoyable and focused on her. Choose a time when your spouse or another adult can join the ride and be with her in the back seat (or drive, so you can be with her.) After the first peaceful experience, don’t take her anywhere unless she wants to, of her own free will. 

Over time she will stop associating the car with interrupting her play and going places she doesn’t want to go. Keep her attitude peaceful by providing options; “I have to go to the store. Would you like to stay with Daddy or come with me in the car?” Be open to her change of mind. She may say “I want to go,” and then get absorbed in a game and prefer to stay. Take more walks and fewer rides. Honor your daughter’s choices. She is physically small, but feels as big as you inside. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/index.html